soul-searching.

So.. Why is it that I always tend to blog when I am not in the greatest mood? Probably makes me seem like a depressed person. For some reason, I find it harder to remember to blog when I am having a good time. I guess its a good release of emotion?  The weird thing is, I am not sad that often, just I guess I tend to just leave my feelings in my blog. I think its better that way. 


Anyways, things haven't been great lately. I've been feeling very alone. I screwed up in kind of a big way with a few of my closest friends. I guess the part i am having the most trouble with, is that I don't think I did what they think I did. Regardless, i DID screw up, so I guess i do deserve to have this time to myself to reflect on what kind of friend I am to people. I think the best way i can really describe how i've kind of felt lately is almost like i've been arrested for a crime i didn't really commit. I mean, maybe i commited a different crime with a lesser sentence, but certainly been put away for a much larger one. The toughest part of this all, is that it's almost impossible for a "criminal" to prove they didn't do the crime. Once you've been put away, defending yourself seems impossible, and kind of useless. I believe the truth comes out eventually, because the truth ALWAYS sets you free, its just the waiting part that feels like it takes forever. I  know maybe this is the time i should take to build some character for myself. Maybe thats the reason why.
 Perhaps I haven't always been the greatest friend. I mean, I would love to think I am, but i know we all screw up. i've always tried my HARDEST to treat my friends the way i would want to be treated. maybe even tried to help them if i see they are about to go through hard times and just try to be there for them in general. I guess maybe sometimes the way we show it may not seem that way? I don't really know. I just want to be the greatest friend. I try my hardest to be honest, loving, and compassionate. I guess the honesty thing can maybe throw people sometimes. Sometimes it can come off as mean. But I guarantee i would never ever turn my back on a friend, or throw them under the bus. its something i've kind of learnt over the years. its no way to treat someone or be treated.


so to any of my friends that may stumble upon this entry, and you feel like i haven't treated you in the way i should, i sincerely and truly apologize. i sincerely mean to cause no one any grief and just want to see you all happy. looking back on it, i would definitely rather be depressed if i knew it would make the people in my life feel better.
all i want to is to fix whatever damage i've caused, in any way possible. no one deserves to be treated bad. and knowing i may have treated you bad, hurts me so much. probably more than you even think. i think about it every day. all the time.